Next time you are in church, at the store, attending a sporting event, or anything else with people about, look around and realize that statistically one out of every four women you see will be a victim of domestic violence at some point in her life.
I have been familiar with that statistic for some time now, and I still find it staggering. As I speak at events or celebrate Mass and look out at those in attendance, it breaks my heart to think about how many of those people will suffer abuse.
Domestic violence is a scourge on our country as well as our Church. It is difficult to talk about, and victims are often afraid to speak out or seek help, so I think we do not fully understand the extent and seriousness of this problem.
Here is another shocking statistic: During the period of the Vietnam War, nearly as many women were murdered by their spouse or domestic partner as soldiers were killed in combat – 53,000 to 57,000. I lived through the Vietnam War, and we can now look back to see it for what it was. Thankfully, it ended, but the unseen war going on in our own neighborhoods, and in some cases our own homes, rages on to this day.
Sadly, the crisis has worsened during the pandemic. The past 18 months have been difficult, and more victims suffered abuse amid increased stress as people lost jobs, alcohol and drug use increased, and our worlds were shrunk to the confines of our homes.
Catholic Charities has long sought to help reduce domestic violence and help victims heal. We work with parishes to get the word out and provide resources for help. We have a priest advisory committee to also help us get the word out and help people to deal with domestic abuse that is not far from our doorstep.
Even with these efforts, our Catholic Charities family was devastated by a tragedy affecting one of our own. Dilcia Rodriguez started as a receptionist at our main office, and then moved over to work at one of our biggest men’s shelters on the campus of St. Elizabeth’s. She worked with and advocated on behalf of those who were homeless. She was fun. She liked to laugh. Our clients loved her. Her fellow employees loved her. Everyone loved her.
We didn’t know that she was being abused by her husband. She had four children and did not want to leave him, concerned for their safety and her care for them. The situation reached a point where she confided in a friend and decided she had to leave. After telling her husband, she was shot to death by him in her apartment as their children slept nearby. He was found the next day in Prince George’s County, where he had killed himself.
Domestic violence encompasses any kind of behavior used to control an intimate partner through fear and intimidation. It includes physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. It is often between spouses or those living in the same household, though not always. We hear tragic stories of teenagers committing suicide because they are being bullied. That is abuse. Another topic that is not spoken about enough is date rape, particularly among teenagers and those of college age. It is real, and it is also abuse.
Women are most often the victims, but men are also abused. It is perhaps more embarrassing for them to admit, but in talking with them, you sense that their pain is no different from a woman who is also trying to survive difficult moments and trying to stay alive.
I want to be sure everyone is clear on the Church’s teaching regarding abuse and marriage. Some victims have been told by priests and others that they need to stay in an abusive marriage because of their wedding vows. This is not true. In its 2002 statement When I Call for Help, which was an update to its original statement on domestic violence 20 years earlier, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops wrote:
Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that Church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage.
October is Respect Life Month in the Catholic Church, and we have many serious life issues to consider – abortion, euthanasia, capital punishment, treatment of those with developmental differences, and more. Please put domestic abuse on your prayer list as well.
If you or someone you know experiences any form of abuse, please know that there is help available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. At Catholic Charities, we put posters in churches with this number, which receives a staggering 21,000 calls every single day – or 15 calls every minute. There are also support groups for victims and their families, as well as for perpetrators of violence. To learn more about domestic violence, you can also visit our website at www.catholiccharitiesdc.org/familypeace.
You may want to put that hotline number and web address in your phone. Unfortunately, it is no exaggeration to say that someone’s life could depend on it.
The sad truth is that most people who read this will know someone – a family member, neighbor, or friend – who has been or will be abused. They need our concern and our prayers. They need our love. And they need our help. May we as individuals, as a Church, and as a community be there for them.
(Msgr. John Enzler, the president and CEO of Catholic Charities of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, writes the “Faith in Action” column for the archdiocese’s Catholic Standard and Spanish-language El Pregonero newspapers and websites.)
